Couples Therapy: A Four-Part Series

Part One

Most people pursue couples therapy only after repeated tries to resolve their problems on their own. Understandably, frustration grows with each failed attempt at resolution, and repetition of maladaptive exchanges breeds chronicity. Attitudes and defenses harden, growing resentment closes off pathways to adaptive change. Conflict escalates as fear suppresses the risk-taking required for open expression of feelings. Emotional distance grows, intimacy suffers.  

So, preparing couples to participate productively is job one. And assessment-based couples therapy is intended to do just that. It neutralizes barriers to progress by making them both visible and discussable sooner. We do so by normalizing the development of self-limiting beliefs and defenses designed to make us feel safe. They help us reject aspersions directed at us, but they also foster feelings of resentment and outrage that cause us to lash out and respond in suit.   

As I sometimes tell my clients, “I am not here to convene your fighting matches. You’ve learned how to do that quite well on your own. So, if you are looking for someone to take your side, you will be disappointed. What I will ask you to do is check your grudges at the door and recognize when your resentments and defenses are activated so that you can restrain yourself from acting on them. I will help notice when these dynamics arise, and we’ll pursue a rational alternative.” 

Yes, Reason, our capacity for restraint and considered thought is something we will make every effort to cultivate in our meetings. Do not mistake this as a dismissal or discounting of emotions; they provide an excellent early warning system at times. However, to mine their full meaning we must pause and reflect upon what they are telling us. An attitude of respectful curiosity places them before us. Rather than being governed by their reactive force, we can understand them. 

This kind of dialogue enlightens us by allowing time to notice our immediate interpretations of experience. What we perceive is often not what others intended by their words or actions. That means both parties are likely to spend a good amount of energy shadow boxing rather than working toward accurate understandings of one another and the meaning of their experiences. Of course, cultivating this more mindful, considered style of relating to one another takes time. 

The Work of Therapy

Progress in couples therapy requires work. It’s an active process of learning and growth. Here’s what’s required: 

1. A fledgling’s attitude of openness to learning and perseverance. 
2. Acquiring a keen awareness oneself, one’s virtues and one’s vulnerabilities. 
3. An equal commitment to discovering the virtues and vulnerabilities of the other. 
4. A regular practice of self-care that allows you to be at your best in vital moments. 
5. A commitment to practice between sessions what you commit to do in sessions. 

As a psychologist and couples therapist, here’s how I help couples realize their requirements: 

1. Use my expertise in psycho-social assessment, and interpersonal and family systems theory to help them understand themselves better, their virtues and vulnerabilities, and how they interact with and affect their relationship with their partner and their problems. 
2. Provide exercises and in-session interpretive dialogue to help them arrive at their own insights into what is distinctive about themselves and what makes the most difference as they seek to engage with their partner in more effective and satisfying ways. 
3. Facilitate interaction between them to improve their understanding of one another, their motivations, values, and goals for growth, including skills training in the use of mental models for interpersonal communications and conflict resolution.  
4. Engage them in a process of clarifying their vision and values for a life together and facilitating a discussion of how to realize any changes they might need to make in order to achieve or at least consistently approximate full fidelity to the vision and values. 
5. Let them know when I think it’s appropriate for them to consider stretching the interval between sessions or pausing therapy. Jointly appraising progress and setting priorities for what they need to sustain attention to and be mindful of upon termination.  

I hope this helps the reader more realistically anticipate how couples therapy actually works. Not every professional will follow the assessment-base approach I use and will be describing in future installments, but the basic considerations of what it takes to make therapy work that I introduce here will apply to most client situations.

NEXT: in Part Two, I will discuss some of the common issues and circumstances that couples present with and alternative ways in which I encourage them to frame the issues or take next-step actions. In subsequent installments In Subsequent installments in this series I will describe how some of the beginning, middle, and late phases of Assessment-Based Couples Therapy play out.